Emotionally Unavailable

The Story

So I did this thing. I wrote and executive produced an album and since it’s on SoundCloud, technically it’s a mixtape?

When I wrote the album I had no intentions of it becoming an album. I was inspired by the instrumentals and one thing led to another and now I have recorded over 20 tracks. The first song that triggered this event was Track 5, “One.” When I first heard the instrumental, the hook that was repetitive in my mind was “Riding down the 101 thinking you’re the one.” I kept hearing that phrase in my head.

So I originally wanted my guy friend who’s a singer/rapper to rap about love on the track. Is she the “one” that you will fall in love with? Something along those lines.

He told me, “You’re so fixated on that hook and you know what you want it to be. Why don’t you write the song yourself? And if need be I can hop on it.”

I was shocked because I am not a singer (though I performed in the choir from 2nd through 8th grade. I also performed in college and ended up being the Business Manager of the gospel choir. But that’s another story.) I never considered myself a songwriter. However, I also participated in a performing arts group in high school and wrote my own rap verse discussing September 11th. Well, with all those examples, maybe I always had it in me? Just never thought that was the direction I needed to go with my career.

Back to the concept. It was to write about whether he is the one I will fall in love with and be the one I care about. Because I will be honest, I don’t care about much nowadays.

However, that’s not what came out. It was actually the complete opposite. It went from love to an erotic fantasy and sex. At first I thought maybe it’s because it’s been a year plus since I’ve had an interest in sex. From that one song it opened the floodgates to a full album and a story that hits close to home when it comes to casual relationships and friends with benefits.

Little did I know, this song led to me writing a lot of other tracks (under the influence of course). That allowed me to speak an unspoken truth about the relationships and power dynamics I deal with personally and even professionally. I know you’re thinking, how can a song about sex lead into a deep conversation about power, control, and insecurity?

There’s your answer right there.

The question that stuck out to me was: when a woman wants sex and a balanced interaction, why does it have to be a game or a power struggle over something we both want? If I was a man and we had a casual relationship, would the story be the same? The album is not a love story. It is about the lack of energetic balance when it comes to giving, receiving, and intimacy.

Underneath all the physical, whether it’s money, sex, or an illusion, there’s more at play when you close your eyes and see the reality with your third eye. Writing this album allowed me to reflect on certain situations, scenarios, and conversations I’ve had with people.

I wrote the album unconsciously. I allowed whatever came to mind and just executed. It wasn’t until after I wrote over 10 songs that I realized it told a story, and I connected that story with voicemail interludes. An old school touch. The album is not about a particular person but about a particular experience. I wanted people to imagine the vision and feel the intensity of the attraction. It is specifically TV-MA (Mature Audiences).

I will provide a breakdown of the album in a collection of posts because it tells a story that I believe a lot of us can relate to, including the invisible challenges we deal with once intimacy is involved.