I Provide & I Receive
The hardest thing I've had to learn as an independent woman
I have a strong appreciation for Taoism and the Yin and Yang energies that exist within ourselves and around us. Various situations and circumstances, despite gender, sometimes call for us to be Yin or Yang. That is the challenge many of us are facing. People associate gender with one particular energy instead of seeing that gender is just a being. The truth is, when we are not connected within ourselves, it becomes hard to move according to intuition and feeling rather than what is visible on the exterior.
What happened to the funny guys? It’s like you have to choose between fun and seriousness. Though there is a lot going on in this world, when it comes to dating I want to have fun and live life. Though I am naturally an upbeat person, the older I became the more life and people tried to take it down. I noticed dating was no longer fun but, I hate to say it, a job. Well for me at least. It’s like people have to put on a facade of seriousness and toughness. Though I can be a serious person when it comes to work and other issues, I don’t want to deal with the moodiness from a man. Save it for me. I am the one ruled by the moon (Cancer Rising). As masculine (Yang) as I can be at times, I want a safe space to be in my femininity (Yin). I think that’s the issue a lot of independent women deal with.
Every once in a while you meet a unique friend. A person who actually stimulates you emotionally and mentally. As a Gemini Moon (yes, I will throw astrology in), that really excites me. It’s rare to connect with a person who’s both mentally engaging and stimulating. Do I have a type? Hmm, not necessarily. I like different people for different reasons though I think I entertained a few who had the illusion of success. I will say the common core of who I am truly drawn to is their drive for authentic success, not the illusion of it.
As someone who had to work hard to overcome challenges and obstacles and like a cat still land on my feet, I value a person who understands my challenges and work ethic. There’s something admirable about a man who’s able to accomplish financial success. It’s not because of the superficiality, but if you’re a person who put in the work and was able to produce the fruits of your labor, it’s commendable and it’s what I am looking to achieve on my own as well. Not to be in competition but to be aligned. It’s an inspiration. When I see someone who’s authentically themselves and in their power, it’s admiration. But let me say it, I don’t meet many people whose accomplishments were done independently. They always had a strong support system. Unfortunately, my story doesn’t include a strong emotional and financial support system. Even now as an adult, I’ve encountered more relationships that constantly look to knock me down a peg. So it shows that despite their exterior success there is a sense of lack somewhere.
As a person who is viewed as successful and whose success was built on overcoming challenges, I am always open to providing insight and advice because I never got it myself. It doesn’t bring me joy to see someone down and out. I can’t say the same for some of the people I encountered in my life. Healthy masculinity (Yang energy) teaches and supports and it doesn’t matter the gender. You give from a place of power. “I provide” whether it’s financially or through providing knowledge. When supporting someone I don’t do it with the expectation of control or domination but with the intent of appreciation. As I experienced the opposite, I shut down my generosity because I learned people would try to use, take, or copy me and play a false version of me to the public while smearing my name. The same people who needed support throughout their time of need.
"I became guarded because of repeated experiences, but I recognize that guarding myself also prevents me from receiving."
People expect that because I am a woman I need to automatically allow people to violate my boundaries and not speak my truth professionally and personally. Though I struggle with boundaries because I come from a place of love and not everyone deserves it. I learned to be detached at times because people look for ways to poke holes through your exterior or take away from me for their own sake of domination and their own insecurities. These experiences forced me to feel uncomfortable receiving and being in my femininity (Yin energy). "I receive." It's been one of the toughest challenges for me due to the toxicity I experienced from both men and women. I assume those same people gave and never received appreciation and shut down themselves as well. Or they allowed their insecurities to get the best of themselves. It’s a perpetual cycle that I believe needs to be acknowledged.
Logically it makes sense to me. Society deems it a dog eat dog world. I mean look at relationships. The biggest argument is the balance of giving and receiving. How much of ourselves do we give and it's never appropriately acknowledged or respected. Look at the work culture of America. Spiritually, I see why, because it is a spiritual warfare after all. Those who stand in their light, the darkness within people tries to dim it. But light cuts through darkness. When you are authentically yourself, despite people's deceptive ways, you will always persevere. I genuinely believe this because of the challenges I have overcome and sometimes I surprise myself with what I was able to solve.