Toxic Femininity
The Nicest Weapon In The Room
Like life there are dark and light energies. Every person or trait has a shadow side. That’s life. However, one topic that I feel is not often discussed is that society associates energetic descriptions within humans as gender roles. I believe that’s why many people are confused about who they’re supposed to be because they’re allowing their physical to guide their truth.
I think we can all agree that toxic femininity appears even more in friend groups. I deliberately refrain from using gender because I’ve experienced toxic femininity from men as well, including those who identify as heterosexual. I am sure the majority of the men I had relations with were toxically feminine. These traits are inherently adapted as a survival tactic because these people developed in environments where they were taught that direct power is unsafe or unacceptable. So they use deceptive tactics like passive aggression, playing victim, weaponizing vulnerability, covert control, and last but not least internalized competition with other women.
From my experience, toxic femininity loves to exist in large groups and appear “nice.” They are skilled at being likeable because they were conditioned early on to charm their way through life.
However, I think at one point I embodied some of those traits because of how I grew up. At an early age my mother told me I used to speak like a military sergeant and I had to train myself to communicate in a way that was more digestible. However, as someone seasoned in life and in the professional world I value honesty and directness.
As a leader who is direct about my thoughts and expressions, I try to be as transparent as possible about my situations and circumstances because closed mouths don’t get fed. I faced challenges from both toxic masculinity and toxic femininity across both genders and everyone in between. But the biggest challenges were from toxic femininity, maybe because standing in my power and masculinity makes me a target as a woman? I noticed women who are in their power, whether society deems them as attractive, successful, or smart, maybe even all three, being a triple threat is the worst. You deal with challenges more than everyone else despite people assuming that you have a privilege or that everything was handed to you. It’s crazy to say that having three positive traits are viewed as a threat. The Irony.
It takes me a while to process a situation. When I was in my 20s my knee-jerk reaction would be to get mad, yell and curse somebody out. However, as 40 approaches I notice it takes me a while to understand what’s happening and why it happened. My reaction is to process the situation and analyze it every way possible to see what role I played before I point a finger. Sometimes I blame myself first. It now takes me a while to really feel the emotion because a week or two later I am processing what happened to have an honest assessment of myself. I do like to talk through it and at times I would confide in people about the situation but as always toxic femininity would distort my words and make it seem like I was bashing when I was simply seeking insight and perspective.
I am constantly looking for ways to improve and better myself and my interactions in relationships. However, there is a point where I have to accept myself because it’s becoming apparent that it’s not necessarily my actions but the fact that I am a woman who took a particular action that society would have accepted from a man.
“I’ve spent years analyzing myself, and after doing that work I’ve concluded that some of these dynamics are bigger than me.”
I’ve had people tell me I make things look easy and then proceed to make my life a living hell. Please note that all of these issues I’ve experienced in both the professional and personal world. It’s worst in the professional world because while you’re focused on the task at hand the toxic employee or boss is focused on you and their lack. Sometimes they would sabotage your work and professional growth to prove a point and show you’re not perfect. Since you’re a vocal and straightforward person it’s easier for people to believe their narrative because they associate a woman’s leadership and power as toxic. When you speak your truth it falls on deaf ears and before you even open your mouth they’ve already formed their own conclusion about you.
When you surround yourself with “nice” and “pleasant” people you never get the truth. Like the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. Two con men convinced the emperor that they made him the most magnificent suit of clothes that only the wise and competent could see. So no one dared admit they saw nothing. His advisors, his court, his entire kingdom played along out of fear of appearing foolish or disloyal. That is toxic femininity at its finest. The manipulation of the con men who sold the lie, the silence of the crowd who cosigned it. However, the audacity of the emperor who believed it because it fed his ego. Sound familiar? That’s toxic masculinity and we will save that for another post. It took a child, someone too young to understand the social consequences of honesty, to blurt out the truth. And even then the crowd tried to suppress it.
Yea, I am the child. The Third Eye View. The outside perspective that has no emotional attachment to the situation. You’re paying me to tell you the truth and provide a solution.
I’ve witnessed this in the workplace and in relationship dynamics a lot. A company or brand is not doing well but everyone is too afraid to address the dysfunction and allows the toxicity to grow. The CEO or Founder isn’t aware of the internal dynamics, or they notice it and allow it because these people stroke their ego and they’re “nice.” I’ve seen board members sit on boards and provide breadcrumbs or even mediocrity but they applaud it because they’re digestible and likeable. However, there’s a lack of follow through or action.
It’s because of these experiences that I don’t fall for the nice guy or the innocent friendly girl who’s dainty anymore. Like nature, I believe they were given the capabilities to have these mannerisms to protect themselves and survive in this world. However, when you don’t have another person who can be your backbone and tell it like it is, there’s a lack of Yang energy. And I am not referring to men.